A change of heart

Why does heart changes so fast...yet hard to accept...?

Changes when you saw:

1. something new,
2. something different,
3. something better,
4. something attractive,
5. something interesting...

Ohh... and the keyword between the 2 words is "more"

The 1st and the 2nd one is the main reason why people's heart hard to accept...
They will think twice at least...
Personally, for me, I think more than twice.

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Will this heart ever stops from searching...?
Who/what will grab my heart...?
Is it even possible..?

Please prove me wrong~~

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But then,
I shouldn't put my hopes too much...
I'm suppose to be the one to give,
and not to accept blindly.

When they need me,
Am I able to be there to give comfort...?
Do I have the power to do so...?
My heart is confused because I'm hesitating...

~Till now, I wanted to reveal myself so badly...but will they accept it?~

It's just only the begining

First trimester has finally ended. Looking back to the road that leads me here was really thrilling, full of tense, laughter, confusion, rushing, less sleep, etc.[Euphoria]. Well, but my time management really is terrible! T_T. Apart from thrill, I also regret for what I have not done...I missed most of my Co-Curricular activities:

1. I missed the EMiNA's ice breaking session,
2. I missed the IU's ice breaking session,
3. I missed the AGM for CMC....

[The reason that I didn't attend....I was lazy and overslept during the time. heh2...]

The only thing that keeping me active was the PSSGM training session. Well, I just wanted to continue my training where I left off. I didn't want to waste what I have learned all this years just like that. Then, the first "BIG" activity that I join was the CCIP and it's really is an interesting program. I spend a lot of time preparing for the opening ceremony...and for the Grand Dinner, I get to eat sushi for free!! [yeah!]

Well, enough for the activities...the submission of assignments was really a pain in the ass. Too much work to do, yet too much things to do. The money flows away like a river T_T. I really need to change and plan my time management better...also the budget. No more last minute works.


But...
I tends to forget the people who supported me before. Who helped me in a lot of ways. I'm so ungrateful...


Most of the time...I realize that maybe I've become so numb. I've become the person that doesn't care about anything. But again...maybe I'm too soft-hearted...that I'm the one who's faking the numb feelings to cover it. Sometimes I didn't even know who I really am. What was I like back then..? Who have I become? Am I really myself before...or I am myself right now? Am I just imitating someone...? So much question to the question that I questioned...yet very less answer.

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
become so tired, so much more aware
By becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know I may end up failing too
But I know you were just like me with someone disappointed in you...

{taken from Linkin Park: Numb}

I am sensitive, yet I am numb. Hard to felt sad & angry for someone...yet I'm easily sad & angry to myself. Am I selfish? But then...who wasn't? We're all wear mask. Life is but a masquerade...dances and acts on the stage called world. Full of lies and pretending...who can fools anyone who knew each other...

I wanted to change...I wanted to be able to accept...I wanted to be close with. Maybe, I should stop and let go my past. I need to think for the future...I need to plan for these 3 weeks of holidays to better understand myself.